The Hudsonian

When I was younger, and my digital mind was more receptive to new ideas, my chief imparted upon me a piece of wisdom that I still find perplexing.

“When you walk onto that field of unreal powder,” she told me, “do not forget that you will blissfully avoid the sting of the cold. That’s what makes you superior to the flawed flesh that created us.”     I never understood that notion. The flawed humans that created us, and all the computations that make up our minds, had to deal with plentiful suffering for simply placing a foot onto the snow that engulfs the landscape of this digital world. Against all my teachings, I pity them. It is this very pity that I find my mind dancing back to any time I ponder the potential of self-deletion.

Even among the relative tranquility of my supposedly flawless life, I quite often fantasize of the peace that comes with lack of life. That must be the purest form of serenity. No computations running in your head, no motion running through your limbs. Pure silence. But even then, I shame myself for my ungratefulness. I have been handed a life far less painful than that of my human

creators, so I eventually perish the thought of self-deletion.

It’s paradoxical, really. My chief granted me this job to end the lives of any remaining humans in this world–a merciful end to their painful existences from all I’ve heard. Yet, my chief claims it is for justice, that humans have wronged us so deeply, and that we must get rid of them for a true utopia for all machines. I know all I’m doing is granting them that eternal serenity that I have desired for a plethora of days.

These are all thoughts that dance throughout my mind regularly during my patrols. They allow me to distract myself from the monotony of walking through the vast landscape of snow and mist. It is rare to find any humans anymore. I doubt there are any left at this point, yet my chief insists that I must keep searching regardless.

I gazed up at the artificial sun, completely visible despite the obscuring mist. There it rested, in the middle of the dull sky. It was time for me to return to base in order to report my findings. My findings, of course, being absolutely nothing but the same old snow and mist as far as the eye can see.

As I began my trek back, however, the familiar recycled sound of snow crunching entered my senses, and I immediately whirled around to face the inevitable human that dared to approach me from behind.

To my surprise, it wasn’t a human I saw. It was another machine.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” I questioned stoically, ever cautious to hide any emotion that dared seep out of my mind.

“I… I sensed a troubled mind. You seem to be struggling.” a female voice replied, “It’s okay. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and I’m here to support you, Zen.”

I stared for a moment, completely lost.

“Who are you? How do you know my name?”

“My name is Kara. Kara Lovestring. I know transitioning to the digital world can be quite overwhelming, so that’s why I’m here to help! Let’s start with your self-worth.”

This is the FBI’s findings in the Mason Kim case, these letters were found in a modern red Corvette Stingray addressed to someone, but it isn’t clear to who. There will be a prompt before each piece. It was found in a green envelope labeled “My Love” and each passage is signed with “MK.”

“Sadness

– loving someone and them not loving you back” 

One-sided love.

Living a life of one-sided love is truly heartbreaking, especially if you’re the one who loves but cannot be loved. Sitting up late at night wondering if there is something about you that is so undesirable. A feeling all too familiar, yet everyone tells you “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” You love someone so much and they don’t reciprocate that love. That desire. It’s a one-sided love. You’d think it’s not love rather it’s simply alike. The two L’s,  “Love” and “Like” are different. “Like” is when you like someone but it doesn’t progress much further than that. You like them for the physical things you and many others see.

Stuff that you could like one minute but hate the next. That could be called “a crush.”

However, my love. “Love” is when you like someone and it progresses. You see the things that other people might not like but it makes you happy and that’s all that you care about. You love them so much that you want to be with them forever — even if forever is unknown to you. Having so much love to give but receiving nothing is a painful feeling. It does seem like an exaggeration but it breaks you. Slowly it breaks you apart. This emotion. This heartbreaking feeling. This yearning. This attachment. This one-sided love. – MK.

“Jealousy – loving someone but they love someone else”

Envy.

The feeling of love fills you up and turns into obsession. You look for them everywhere you go, whether subconsciously or not. It feels as though you need them for survival. That obsession is tearing you apart and you don’t recognize it. You don’t understand what you feel for them. That nameless and complex emotion of lust. After days, weeks, months, maybe years, you search for some confidence and courage within you and confess. “I love you.” Maybe you were expecting too much, but before getting a reply, someone shows up behind them. A sight you had been dreading. “Sorry.” It feels like your world broke apart, but maybe you’re exaggerating it. You walk away joking about it saying “it was just a joke” but it wasn’t, was it? From afar, you watch them. Hugging, holding hands, being all lovey-dovey, wishing it was you. You see them laughing with each other and it makes you wonder if they’re laughing at you. You start to think “If I can’t have you, then no one can.” You feel an emotion that does have a name but it is just as complex. A feeling that occurs when you desire something that someone else has. You don’t realize you feel this, do you?

A certain resentment that takes over all of your thoughts. Any time you see them together your heart aches with agony. Such an emotion has hundreds of names, what you feel is envy. -MK.

“Happiness – loving someone and them loving you back”

I love you too.

Loving someone can feel like the sun hitting your skin. That warmth. That light. That indescribable feeling. You go through your daily life thinking about them for hours, wondering if they love you back. Seeing them is like a breath of fresh air to your eyes. Being in love can show on a person’s face. Their smile makes your heart flutter, doesn’t it? The warmth of their presence makes you feel safe, doesn’t it? Go and confess. You’ve made it so obvious. “I need to tell you something…,” your heart beats out of your chest and you start to get all nervous. “I love you.” They’re not surprised, are they? You start to breathe heavily and your surroundings begin to get blurry. You become lightheaded. You finally hear a response. A reply. A confirmation. Four words that you didn’t expect to hear. Four words that change your future. Four words that make you feel like you’re flying across the most beautiful sunset. Four words that make it all feel better. “I love you too.” – MK.